In Paradise

In the matter of a simple phone call you were gone.

Don't get me wrong, the last words shared were something worth smiling about. BUT I wasn't expecting the last worlds to come so soon.

Someone so genuine, protective, humble, smarter then anyone seemed to understand ...a good one taken away.

We shared drama, smiles, tears and who knows what else a BIG brother and BABY sister could share. You watched me grow and helped me see somethings in a different light.

We may not have shared the deepest of moments, but the things shared were worth ever moment.

I do not know how I am going to deal with having you gone. But I KNOW that you are in a better place watching over us all.

You were a man of style, always recreating yourself to world. The people on the outside knew you as these different images, alias ...but to me you simple were, are MY BIG BROTHER CORY

Yes, I know you are GONE

but trust and believe you

NEVER, EVER be forgetten...

I Love You Big Brother, Rest In Paradise

♥ Jefferson 'Cory' Johnson ♥

No Words Can Describe

Its been a while since we've talked, there just seemed to be a lot going on around me recently that has side tracked me from laying down some of my thoughts. Things that have become to overwelming or even bigger then i will ever understand.

Debating with my HEAD and HEART about this thing called love

and LOSSING someone in the blink of eye not knowing why.

My HEAD is at world wind, moving at a pace that I cannot fully understand

Trying to figure out if I should take on this word called love,

Trying to understand why someone would want to hurt you.

My HEART is broken, as though something was taken from me with no remorse

Not knowing if I take on something else how my heart will be treated,

Not knowing why someone would want to take a life from another.

As I sit here and share some brief thoughts about things that have happened recently ...Im stuck with these UNSPOKEN WORDS that linger through SCATTERED THOUGHTS about these UNANSWERED QUESTIONS.

Emotional Maze

What is happiness? The dictionary says good fortune; pleasure; contentment; joy
-- We all want to achieve this at some point in own lives. Some sooner rather than later.

People live life as though it is an obstacle course. We physically fight against all the odds in our own way. Trying to build a strength to which we feel no one can break us.

When we try and face thing based off our emotions, it similar to a maze. We want to know which direction will lead us to the center of our happiness but always seem to hit that wall. The wall forces us to take a step back and to carry on a new path. With this new path we can only hope we do not run into another wall.

We all face have reached thses high points in which we give praise but we have also hit those points where we just want to give up. But realize we have to fall in order to get up. WITH JOY COMES PAIN.

With our HAPPINESS comes SADNESS

We could only hope our TRUST does not become DOUBT

And know with LOVE comes HEARTACHE

A Decade

We finally brought in the New Year.

We brought it in knowing we wanted to start off with a bang.

Making sure we kept ourselves around the company that would help us enjoy our time away.

"We came to get krunk, How bout you, Bottles up, Lets go round two !"

We all got together so that we can have a reunion. Knowing we are a unit from a while back. Holding down the bond we had created through the long years that we have spent together.

Class Of 2008 ♥

Blinded

What is pride? The dictionary says it is a lofty and often arrogant assumption of superiority in some respect.

Pride leaves you blind
-> to whats right under your nose
-> to see whats real

It can work with or against you.
Working with to get a sense of oneself.
Against, simply leaving you in the dark to things around you.
Needing to be realistic about what is going on ... BLINDED BY PRIDE

Needing to put the pride aside sometimes. Its getting in the way of seeing whats real.

"Coming To Term With My Inner Being"

LOST

EMOTIONS ran high

FEELINGS got deep

MIND went crazy

then the HEART grew cold

Continued

Unspoken Words
--> Silenced so no one can hear what you are thinking.

Unasnwered Questions
--> There are some which were left unsaid. They dwell in the minfs of those afraid to ask.

Scattered Thought
--> They stay lingering in your mind. So many you don't know what to think anymore.

Its That Deep.

Thoughts are racing when it comes to feelings who knows what the outcome could be. Hopefully it does not seem as though it was a waste of your time. Wishing the time will some to figure out what we are doing. It will help me probably explain my feelings.

FEELiNGS ARE CONFUSiNG, EXPESSiNG THEM ARE SO HARD ... iTS GETS THAT DEEP.

I have come to dig you more than I orginally expected. In my mind kind of thought it was going to be something in my mind.

SAD - I cannot see you when I want
UPSET - cause its hard to express how I feel
HURT - moments I feel I miss you more than you miss me

curious to know if we are wasting time ... curious to know what we are doing.

*not kicking it with anyone else.
*trying to give you my time.
*focused my attention in one area.

TRESPASSiNG

At the moment one of those times you wish you could forget but when you look back it will simple be unforgettable, something to take down in the books !


Things started off so simply having a good time. It was one all around for the team. Happy she was able to bring in another year of life.

"Time isn't wasted when your getting wasted" ... One minute things are all smiles and soon took a drastic turn.









There aren't any words to help describe how the course of the evening went. But this seems to be best way to explain it. I must say one of the best birthdays. "party party party, lets all get wasted"

*ambulance *minor blackouts *TRESPASSING

MY HEART

There are ones that i was told to stay away from,

ones that ihave to question

&& ones in which ikeep close to my heart.

i find myself always trying to see the good in people, even if they have done me wrong.

When i finally decide to let people in, i would hope they dont go away.

I share my passt, present && hopefully my future with those near to my heart.

Im not exactly sure what love means but i KNOW when i tell u, i mean it !

i always feel as tho love is over-rated but in reality i really do LOVE you.

*NM, AB, AP, ZO, KJ, MB, CC, SR, KD*

Overwelmed

Things seemed so easy at one point

...EVERYTHiNG was handed to you

...DECISIONS were made for you

...BARELY walked on your own two feet

Suddenly things have taken a turn.

...Picking up MY own pieces
...Started thinking about things for MYSELF
...Began walking my OWN two feet

Learning how to deal with all different situations

...holding everything in.

...putting my feeling to the back.

...feelings as tho my kindness --> can be taken for weakness

...confirmed that i am misunderstood

...knowing some of my actions don't fully reflect my feelings

...some things just have become the most...

Sickness

A phase.

A temptation.
A drug.

An ADDiCTiON.

wanting to say no, but you just can't walk away.
wanting to walk away, but your body yearns for the satisfaction.
knowing the satisfaction is wrong, but you still want a taste.
once you get a taste... you seemed almost hooked.

the withdrawal.
the pain.
the recovery.

you seemed to be hooked,
you know the satisfaction is wrong,
you finally walk away,
saying no.

freedom from the very thing that made you go crazy.

freedom from the very thing that stopped you in your path.

freedom from you...

DiSAPPEARANCE !

When is the correct time to let go?

You watch all these different relationships come together. Some of them seem like they are suppose to be around forever [well a long time], when in reality they are only suppose to be around temporarily. How is a person suppose to know when to let go?

Most of these relationships you build seem so good && you feel as though nothing can go wrong. But they are only around to try & teach you some form of a lesson for the future !

<<<---- keepin them around [[UcDc]]

There have been those moments where you need enjoy.

--->>> live in the moment

--->>> live with no regrets

--->>> live like there is no tomorrow

I know there are people i call my friends && others that i would call my associates. There are moments in time where i mix up those who are only associates & call them friends. Even those minor set backs of giving people the wrong labels, I have learned from all...

"You pick your friends, don't let your friends pick you"

An Understanding

So we sat down to discuss this way of thinking many of the ladiez in my circle tend to have. When some people look at us they say we are assholes, we play too many mind games or people look to find all the flaws instead of simply trying to expect things for the way they are.

Dealing with some of the situations I have gone through are probably the reason why I think the way I do. I appear to have my own way in thinking... down to the way i pick people I call my friends && the other relationships I try to develop.

The moment when decided to really care about a person, I felt as though they took my kindness for weakness. Asking them for something so simply && then they turn out to let me down. I was never a person to look for anything, I'm a very simple being... no need for extra complication. I got back up from the brief moment of tears no one knew I shead && continued on trucking. Until once again I felt comfortable to let my guard down again. But this time I learned from the first, && I think that is the cause of the reason I don't let people get to close.

*don't let anyone get to close

*afraid of heartache

*no one is worth my tears

*may push you away

*complex minded

*different outlook

*don't try & find my flaws

*don't play on my flaws

Simply except me for who I am.

Secret Message

Random pictures
Captured moments
Ups
Downs
Tears
Smiles
Lust
Passion
First
Time
Joy
Pain
Brands
Titles


Many unexplained emotions
Many [confused!] thoughts
When it all comes together, what it the bigger picture behind these words? What is this secret message?

Simply Undefined

There are days where I feel people don't fully understand me.

Thrown by my walk, talk, look

I'm a little: Rude

Sarcastic

Impatient

Observant

People say I look...

-> angry all the time

-->like I always have an attitude

--->like someone they know

---->I can't be anyone else... I can only be me<----

*I'm honestly MiZUNdeRST00d*

DiifeREnT, DiiveRse, DiistiiNct

I'm simply UNiQUE me

★ "People who don't understand you figure there is more to you,
instead of just accepting the fact that s just how you are" ★

My Funny Valentine

<-- Me && My Valentine -- Feb 09
Someone said today when you name something after somebody then you obviously have that person on your mind. They weren’t talking about me exactly but I felt as though they were. And the funny part is they do have times of being on my mind, even though at times I want to forget. I think if I find a way to forget it will help the feelings go away so when we meet again I won’t feel some type of way. Its just my way to help me think realistically about certain situations... Helps to forget the downtimes && remember the goodtimes.

Indecisive Mind

★ Someone told me they think I have the mindset of a boy, what exactly does that mean? I do not really catch feelings easily or wear my emotions on my sleeve. I simply have my own way of thinking and going about things ★

So I met this guy a little while back. Some things had taken place && in his mind he felt everything was planned out. There was the thought in the end we would end up together, but that didn’t happen. We dealt with our ups & downs like any other type of relationship. But in my mind the downs were starting to overtake the ups. I felt as though I was being pushed away.
♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥
I was taken into a zone away from the drama. In the times of my downs there was someone there to help comfort me && help me deal with the unnecessary drama taking place between me & this guy. I almost began to have some hope behind the comfort but then a reality set in & I was
♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥
But recently, there has been someone who has found a way to intrigue me. I don’t know if it’s the tats or the way he rocks to the beat. I can only go into it with a positive mind.


People have always had their share of thoughts on who I decided I keep around. They usually start out on good terms && I can only hope things stay that way for a little while.

I don't know what to think sometimes. My mind can be all over the place. But even with all the scattered thoughts I know what I am trying to see...

“I'm trying to see what’s there && what’s not”

...i'M NO REAL HURRY, ONLY TiME WiLL TELL

A New Chapter

In September, I had began a new chapter in my life... college. I didn't really know what to expect or what I was gonna get out of it beside an education. Through out the experience of my first year, I have become more open-minded about things && became more willing to meet new people. I have made & lost relationships with people who have made an impact on how I see certain ways of life.

Those relationships lost, I can only hope that I had served my time with you well. Hoping you benefited from the relationship that we HAD. The relationships which are still together, I hope they can last because I feel as though we can benefit from each other... Summer time can change people, I only hope when we all get back in the fall, things will continue to be the same.

There are things that were left in air. Some might say, UNFiNiSHED. I feel as though what ever needed to be shared was said and it is in the hands of fate to see how things play out. Hopefully somethings play out in the favor of those who able to take the critism =] (right Ronnie... wink wink). And the things that people didn't share should have been put out on the table. But there is no turning back time, holding things in work for you... I guess it can work for me.

I went through the school year dealing situations that could have been solved in a different manner. I don't take back anything I did... I just know that I have grow from it && learned how to deal with them differently.

I Hold Dearly

So there are these people in my life that I have grow to care about so much I cant even call them friends anymore.... they are more like family. They all have really affected my life for the better. When I stop & think about it if I didn't them I don't know what I would because they all help complete me in there own weird ways.
★★★★★★★★★
I wish I was able to tell you all how much you mean to me,
I probably would be forever writing about you all.
But you all are iRREPLACABLE to me.
★★★★★★★★★

♥ I LOVE YOU ALL ♥

★★★★★★★★★
Najauna (My Right Hand), Cynae (my Baby Mother), Kierra (Killa, my lil SiS), Andrea (Flan, the Wife), Ashlee (Pookie, the Roomie), Zakiya (KeyKey, My Triplet), Mickey (the Fav), Shaquille (the Bestie), Lianne (my Big Sis)